9.26.1986/age 16
There are still so many things I haven't straightened out, even
now. I tend to blame everything on Matthew's death, and it's unfair
and disrespectful of me. I also feel he has been forgotten, and
I'd like him to be remembered. I don't know what will become of
these writings, but they have a personal purpose.
The most asked question about Matthew is "Why?" And I wish I had
a solid answer. I do have several theories. First of all, at that
period in time [when he shot himself] he was on a lot of ludes.
Ludes will give you lots of guts and twist your mind. Enough will
kill you, People expected all this of him years ago; the tendency
has always been a part of him as it has always been a part of
me. or was. Matthew had taken a pile of ludes before putting that
rifle to his head and I'd like to think he didn't really know
what he was doing -- but I'd be very wrong. Matthew must have
had this planned for a very long time. he had the ludes for a
while. He just didn't tell anyone.
You couldn't say he was aa strong person: he was kind but he'd
been stepped on too many times. I don't think Matthew could believe
that someone could really love him and make it work.
So, don't ask me why. I wish I knew.
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