My sitting here, at nearly 32, being who I am, and content with
that -- happy, even -- is not the dramatic grand finale I would
have envisioned when I was writing these pieces so many years
ago.
The girl that wrote this work didn't imagine she'd live to see
20, let alone 30 and beyond, nor that she would do a million things
in between, love many and most of all, learn to love and accept
herself.
At 14, 15, 16, 17...even if you don't go through the things I
did, time can feel like it slogs on. Days can feel like eternities,
and when everything is going terribly wrong, when you're ill or
depressed, when you're in crisis, it feels very much that you
will never work your way out of it whole.
But most of us do. Not all of us. Some of us, like my boyfriend
from that time, and like a few other friends and lovers I would
have in my life, don't pull through. It's hard to say whether
that is tragic or whether that is a simple fact of life: nothing
is guaranteed and life can have some truly horrendous moments,
which are even harder if you're young and don't know how to deal
with them. But if you want to, you can. And most people can
pull through.
But I know that for me, the best thing I ever did for myself was
to learn to ask for help, and to accept it when it was given to
me. It was also really helpful to stop bottling things and hiding
them and let myself really feel my own pain. The next time someone
tells you something "isn't so bad," you set them aside and decide
that for yourself, and feel what you need to. Putting it aside
only means you'll have to come back to it later, and it doesn't
get easier.
And though it's taken a very long time, I've mended a lot of bridges
-- namely with my family -- that I was certain could not be rebuilt.
But they have been, though it's surely a long, slow process.
So, if you need help, reach out and ask for it. If you wait for
someone to notice you're hurting silently, you're going to be
in for a long wait. Just ask, and accept what others can give,
and make good use of that help by doing the work YOU need to do
for yourself as well. And while it may not feel that way, do
look at something like this and try and see that even when it's
at it's worst, things really can get better, and one day -- as
sometimes I feel I have -- you might wake up and just be amazed
at where you've come, and at how much easier it really was than
you thought it'd be.
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