(Just venting: people not in a stinky, pissy funk should walk on by. I may well be contagious.)
Know what sucks?
What sucks is when you’re starting to get the feeling that your camera is perhaps going the way of the dinosaur, and that’s WHY you couldn’t shoot well to save your life last week.
This doubly sucks when the same client is coming over today to reshoot, and it’s entirely possible that your equipment isn’t going to let you do any better of a job than you did last time, even though you’re now much better equipped for lights.
This triply sucks when you have been looking into a new camera and realize that it’s very unlikely you can afford one, and you can’t even work on trying to generate extra income to do so because when you have a camera who a) now won’t do jack when it comes to self-portraiture so there’s that avenue of income and b) may not perform decently when you take clients in, so you’re not about to take their money unsure if you can do your damn job. There’s a gift of the Magi, but is there like, a hex of the Magi? A giant fuck you of the Magi? Who the hell does the Magi think he is, anyway, and who invited him here in the first place?
This sucks all the more when in the last couple of days, you’ve started reviewing revenue for the year to try and prepare for the hell that is taxes and discovered that despite the ever-growing traffic and helping as many as 25K in users a day at Scarleteen in the last year, donations this last year were even more dismal than the year before, something you didn’t want to think was even possible. I feel so good about doing what I do, I do: but there is something so effing pathetic and really degrading about having a site with that sort of traffic, which performs that sort of service, which you went across the bloody country to defend your right (and everyone else’s) to net even as much income as to just pay its costs, but which some months, grant notwithstanding, has generated as little revenue as $25 a month in donations.
And I’m having an Ugly Day (yeah: I have ‘em, too, like anyone else, I’m just usally better at turning the nasty voices off than I am right now). On top of all of that, what I really, really want is for my sweetie to be hone so I can have a big, sweetie snuggle. Not only do I have to wait nine days for that, that fact that I’m even remotely dependent on someone else in that way is giving me hives at the moment.
Yeah, I’m being a whiner and it’s totally nonproductive. But this much suckitude, after another night of insomnia, no less, well…
…just really fucking sucks.
December 23rd, 2006 at 9:58 pm
Figleaf (at realadultsex.com) pointed me to this post — I commented on his blog but wanted to repeat it here, just in case it helps with your funk.
I’ve gotten tons of great information over the years from Scarleteen (and most of those years were when I wasn’t, technically, a teenager anymore). I’m feeling like quite the idiot never to have noticed the “Donate” link in the sidebar. I’m glad somebody pointed it out to me now that I’m in a better position to give back.
December 24th, 2006 at 8:05 am
Oh! If I lived anywhere near you, I’d lend you my camera! I know all too well how it is not being able to afford the equipment you need. I work part time at a camera store- I can get some stuff at a discount. If that would ever be able to help you, just let me know.
December 24th, 2006 at 10:15 am
Lisa: see email. As I said, I wish I lived near you, PERIOD.
Hypati: bless your heart.
A bunch of years back, we got a nice blog circle going with a “Scarleteen Day” to kick up donations — we’ve got a plan to do it again this year with some more things to make it fun, like opening up a section on the message boards for adults to go ask the teens/YAs questions so they can show off all their shiny knowledge.
I’ll be sure and ping you and figleaf when we do.
December 24th, 2006 at 9:10 pm
I can’t help much with buying a camera right now, but I can promise that by March or April there will be a bit more in the donations jar if that helps with planning. Read the email I just sent for why.
December 25th, 2006 at 9:35 am
Feral/Stephen: got the email. Will reply back shortly, but that is awesome, awesome news. Kudos to you! How fantastic!
(So wishing you’d have shared that story in the comments!)
December 27th, 2006 at 9:11 pm
Is Scarleteen a non-profit? Would it be worth looking into writing grants to cover costs, or do you feel like that’s too compromising for Scarleteen’s mission?
December 28th, 2006 at 10:36 am
Hi, Heather,
That’s terrible. And look, I finally have the income to do a little something. So I did, because Scarleteen is one of the best resources on the web, bar none. I send grownups there, I send youth there, I go there myself when I don’t know the answer, and I’ve been doing that since I discovered the place, shortly after its inception. Thank you thank you.
…and Annie, unfortunately I think there already are grants: “some months, grant notwithstanding, has generated as little revenue as $25 a month in donations.”
Heather, you rock.
December 28th, 2006 at 11:28 am
Raj: thanks, for both the sentiments and the help. And hey: did you email me about something else a few weeks back? I have this feeling you did, but can’t find the email to save my life.
Annie: we’re working on the non-profit part. That won’t help us a LOT right now so long as there still can’t be any federal funding for programs that aren’t abstinence-based, but it likely will once (hope srings eternal) that’s no longer the case, and it may well open us up to people with money wanting big tax writeoffs.
December 28th, 2006 at 12:09 pm
i wonder if awareness for costs relating to web-based information clearinghouse type sites like scarleteen is something that a lot of people have… just speaking for myself, i can’t even wrap my head around what the physical operating costs (bandwidth, etc.) would be, let alone an (ideal) wage for the operator.
also, i must say that your later post re: naive melody nudged me to put it on and crank my speakers.
December 28th, 2006 at 7:30 pm
Raj, you’re right, my reading comprehension skills are apparently not of the finest right now.
Heather–huh. You know, federal funding never actually crossed my mind, as those applications are extremely long, complicated, and sans flexibility. I was thinking more on the lines of private foundations, like the Ford Foundation or the Open Society Institute. There are also many many smaller foundations out there; there’s a great database, I don’t know if you know it, on the Foundation Center website. There’s a fee, but if you know any development people out there, they may let you use their password.
December 29th, 2006 at 10:22 pm
*cough* Not much of a contribution to this conversation, but. It is actually a fact that you can only get funding for abstinance-only sex education in the US? It seems so ridiculous I wasn’t sure if it was an urban myth… :\
January 1st, 2007 at 8:51 pm
Oh, that’s no urban legeend: not per federal funding.
Would that it were.
And that’s been the case in this country since 1996. With our new congress, apparently there has finally been a limit put on the abstinence-education funding per it being continued for six more months then reviewed, but I’m still not going to be holding my breath. After all, the Clinton admin. started this B.S. (though likely were too short-sighted to realize how far another administration might take it), so it’s not just something about conservatives.