I’d like a little help with something.
Due to popular demand from some of our Scarleteen users, I need to write a piece for them about casual sex: how to figure out if it’s right for you and someone else, how to negotiate it, how to work it all out. Certainly, much of our material can be applied to sex in casual or committed/ongoing relationship contexts, but there are definitely some differences with brand new partnerships or casual ones that could stand to be discussed.
Initially, I thought that this was so no problem, and absolutely something I can write for them…
…well, wait.
Initially, what I actually thought was that I was bummed to need to do this because I know I am going to have to deal with a level of crap about it that is just plain going to suck. I take enough shit from neocons (and all kinds of other folks) as it is for nearly anything I say about young people and sex that is anything more than “Just wait,” but putting something like this right out there and up front is likely to result in my taking more crap than usual.
So, I thought that. Then I got over it. They tell me they need it, so it’s my job to provide it, that’s how I do things. Plus, I’ve always liked casual sex and managed it exceptionally well, so it’s certainly something I can write about, and it’s not like I’ve ever pretended, to the young folks or anyone else, that my life and sex life has been made up of traditionally or morally-sanctioned relationships.
But I’m hitting a bit of a snag, which is the worry I’ve actually been TOO good at casual sex in my life to do this piece well all by myself. That in some sense, it’s been too easy for me, so I may be overlooking some management and negotiation skills, or some potential pitfalls, that should be included. I tend to be a sex-on-the-first-date (or, sex-in-lieu-of-date) person almost unilaterally from near minute one of my sexual development, with me being the person nearly always initiating that. I spent many years of my life as a frequent one-night-stander and found that was usually a great fit for me: I felt very free in that, I’ve had a lot of fun, and I tend to be able to be sexually open really fast with people when the chemistry is there. I also came of age without feeling any major moral judgments around casual sex from my peers or even most of the adults around me, so I think I came into it with less fears and doubts and baggage than other people, and certainly a generation of young people told casual sex is the stuff of death and moral and emotional destruction, have.
In some ways, casual sex has posed less challenges for me than sex has in ongoing or committed relationships. I’m also, in general, a risk-taker by nature, so there’s that to contend with, too.
Now, maybe I’m just being a dope and underestimating myself, or maybe I’m even unconsciously buying into messages that casual sex is so much more emotionally risky than other kinds of sex, something which I know hasn’t been true at all for me, but I’ve always gotten strong messages I’m weird that way, messages which may or may not actually be true.
All the same, I’m asking for help: might any of you want to share with me some of your issues/tips/helpful hints when it comes to casual sex that I can look at and potentially include in this in the case that I might see this as far easier or more manageable than other folks do? Pretty please?
January 23rd, 2010 at 10:21 am
Oh, goodness. Sex, especially casual, has been something I struggled over for a long time. Wait till marriage, or at least till you know that you .really. love them and are going to get married - and what’s this about people having anal sex? You can DO that? Are you sure you’re not going to go to hell?
Getting past the gut deep body/self/loathing and the notion that sex=sin and that I should just lay back and “think of England” took a lot of doing, as I desperately wanted to be the good little girl my mom wanted me to be. Time has passed, and I’ve come out as something other than girl with my own definition of good which includes the fact that consensual, communicated, casual sex can be some of the best good stuff out there.
Getting past the guilt was one of the big things for successfully negotiating casual sex for me. Guilt was equal parts a conviction that I had failed to live up to someone else’s standards, fear that I was doing something morally wrong, and shame that I gave into my desires for temporal (and temporary) pleasure. Moving beyond that isn’t necessarily something that a person can do in a day or week or month; years later I still find odd bits of it cropping up like some kind of unexpected and especially yucky bit of mold that I have to clean up and face before continuing on my journey.
Eventually, I realized that the only standards I had to live up to were my own; that so long as I did my level best, through communication and consensual practices, to ensure that I was bringing no harm to another person, intentionally or otherwise; and that my desires should be honored and celebrated. These were, for me, the keys to successfully negotiating casual encounters of the sexual kind — starting with myself and moving outward.
It has been hard work, and takes a lot of communication — both with myself and others — and I have also learned the joy of anticipation. If intimacy doesn’t work right now, for whatever reason, chances are that it will down the road. I’ve learned that not everything has to be right now — but also to enjoy every last bit of the moment when it .is. right now. And I’ve learned that talking — about everything (protection, other partners, preferred positions, pronouns, things not to do, things to especially pretty please do) makes every single bit better. Casual sex has become for me a bit of a misnomer; it is a deepening of intimacy or establishing of connection with a person where we are completely present and true to ourselves, the moment, and the sacredness of our bodies and our joy.
January 23rd, 2010 at 10:26 am
here’s what i wrote to a young man in the UK.
Name: Jake
Gender:
Age: 18
Location: London
I have never had sex mostly because I have never managed to approach the person. I am bisexual and am desperate to have sex with a guy or girl. What are the best ways to approach someone for sex?
Can’t manage to approach a person for sex? Are you just shy, or are you a total geek? Either way, my friend, you gotta get over yourself if you ever hope to get laid. And here’s a tip: perspective partners can smell desperation, like the kind you speak of, a mile away. And they will avoid you like the plague.
Ok, so you’re just 18 without a lot of experience in the ways of the world. Here’s what I tell everyone who asks me this question, regardless of age, gender or sexual orientation. When it comes to asking for sex; the direct approach works best. Just so long as you’re not a dick about it. If you haven’t already discovered this, baggin a chick will probably take a bit more finesse than pokin’ a bloke. And coming on to a mate demands a different approach than hittin’ up a stranger for a shag.
If there’s a bit of charm about you, your task will be considerably easier than if you are a crude Neanderthal who just wants to notch his belt. If you’re not sure what your selling points are, ask a friend for his or her feedback. If he or she tells you nice things bout yourself, you might be in luck. If he or she tells you that you’re a charmless creep, you’ll have your work cut out for you.
Regardless what group you fall into — the “maybe fuckable”, or the “not fucking ever”, you can always improve your image and hone your unique style. Look to how you present yourself; make sure you are groomed, clean and odor-free. Dress to impress. Stay clear of fancy or fussy, but do make it look like you gave your clothing a thought before you dressed yourself. Make yourself interesting; have a point of view, but share it sparingly. Develop a sense of humor about yourself. If you can’t be clever or witty, then keep your mouth shut for the most part.
The internet is a great place to test the waters. Dating and hook-up sites abound. Put up a profile…with a photo or two. Here’s a tip, save the dick pics for the queer sites. Women don’t want to see your pathetic willie, at least not right away. And like I said above, there’s nothing more unattractive to most women, or men, than a desperate fuck. Asking for what you want is good, pleading to be taken out of pity is not!
Few women are as casual about sex as are most men. So if a woman tells you no, she just may be shy, or not ready, or not sure. If a guy tell you no, it’s not the end of the world. You’re probably not his type. There are lots of fish in the sea; if you’re not immediately successful, move on. Sometimes getting laid is a situational thing. Being in the right place at the right time is helpful.
Chicks are gonna be concerned about the whole pregnancy thing. This is a much more serious concern for a woman then for a dude. If you’re not well versed on several methods of contraception and willing to practice at least one, you’re not ready to have sex. Sexually transmitted infections ought to be a concern for you both. Don’t be a fuck-up; always use a condom regardless of your partner’s gender.
If you’re dick is hard, it’s not the right time to talk about sex with a woman, but it might be the best time to hit up a dude. Women don’t necessarily like the lean and hungry look. Men tend to groove on it.
There are lots of different ways to have sex, so what might be appealing to one person may not be to another. Hand jobs and/or blow jobs are often more easy to cum by than full-on fucking with both birds and blokes.
In the end, there no standard way to ask for sex, but if you treat a prospective partner, regardless of gender, with respect, honesty, and patience, you can be sure whatever words you use will be more effective than if you’re an uncouth lout.
i hope that’s helpful. - richard
January 23rd, 2010 at 10:56 am
Things to consider:
-You must be on the same page with casual sex partner, meaning both being fully in this as nothing more than casual sex. It can’t be used as a way to get someone to fall for you. That rarely, if ever, works. You can’t ignore your feelings if you want more, or ignore signs that someone else wants more than they say, because sex will then complicate things.
-Seriously consider all the possibilities if it is a friend. Even if you’re both on the same page, it’s good to think about the future. For example — how it affects future relationships — will the new person be like-minded, uncomfortable at the sexual familiarity, etc. Will you, and your friend, stand by the friendship at any cost, or buckle to the pressure of someone you love.
-Be mindful and inquisitive about their relationship status. (which of course ties into being up-front and honest) Many times, women who are open to casual sex become means to escape any relationship inadequacies, which then just complicates any sexual relationship that’s supposed to be casual.
-Be clear about what ongoing casual sex consists of. Is it just sex and parting afterward? Spending the night? Friends with benefits but not romantic relationship? Matched with random dating?
-If on-going, be clear what’s okay when it comes to other sexual partners. Is it just to fill loneliness in between people? On-going regardless of dates and the potential of other partners (which def. brings raised safety concerns)?
-Casual sex doesn’t mean bedding anyone. Still choose wisely and with a clear head. Overly intoxicated casual sex breeds a host of problems.
-If you want this to be a period of casual sex and not a lifestyle choice, be mindful of differences in how you go about casual sex and relationships. It can be hard to break out of the pattern and cycle.
January 23rd, 2010 at 1:20 pm
Casual sex is still kind of scary to me, despite the fact that I have enjoyed it greatly in the past in what ended up developing into my present long-term-relationship, and have been eager to have sex pretty early on in all of my relationships. Reasons I find it scary:
1) judgement by others in my life, particularly work-related contacts,
1.5) gossip,
2) the potential for getting hurt when ramping up any kind of relationship very quickly
2.5) strong feelings (new relationship energy) distracting from other life priorities (work-life balance) in a situation where I’m not likely to have longer-term benefits or emotional stability to offset that,
3) new/casual partners with different backgrounds and experiences cannot be as in touch with my lifestyle needs, what issues I’m sensitive about and what sorts of things hurt my feelings. For me, a casual sexual partner also needs to be someone I can generally get along with, and who I feel buoys me up in the world as opposed to dragging me down.
All of these are also issues at the beginning of LTR’s (long-term-relationships), but relationship stability in both close friendships and relationships has always felt good to me (e.g. looking back, my best friendships & relationships have been of that nature), so scary things 1-3 are clearly worth risking if either a) a good, emotionally secure relationship is a reasonably likely outcome, or b) I feel this casual relationship will contribute substantially to my personal growth. I can imagine for others, particularly those with less career-focused lives, and more extraversion, the trade-offs could be very different. Maybe the tradeoffs will be for me someday as well, but the above is how things have played out for me in the past. FWIW, I’m roughly 30, and have viewed possibly having casual sex as a natural part of my life/development since about age 15 (e.g. I was willing, and had no moral qualms, if the “right” circumstances presented themselves). I’m interested in reading your article once it’s written.
January 23rd, 2010 at 8:31 pm
HONESTY, burtal honesty. With yourself, and your partner/s.
January 23rd, 2010 at 10:36 pm
For me, I tried casual sex, and I felt it was something I was “supposed to” be into, and the biggest helpful hint I was able to give myself after a while was that it was ok not to be into it. I tried it, it felt awkward and uncomfortable and just not all that much fun, and so I gave myself permission to take it off the menu without attaching any judgment to that.
I think there can be a bit of a tightrope to walk with that, in that it’s sometimes hard to tell if the discomfort is coming from hang-ups that would be better to get over, but for me there was a real awareness that I don’t trust people quickly enough for casual sex to be all that much fun for me. And since I’m generally comfortable with my slow-to-warm-up-ness in other aspects of my life, I didn’t see the point in changing it for this one aspect.
I do have friends for whom casual sex is a great thing; I have no problem believing that it works for others.
(I can’t imagine that you’d write up anything about sex that didn’t include a reminder that “No, not into it” is a perfectly valid response, but I thought I’d throw this out there anyway for a bit of the non-dogmatic other side.)
January 24th, 2010 at 12:20 pm
I work with a lot of survivors of various types of relationship violence. This includes emotional abuse, in and outside of the bedroom. I’ve worked through lots of sexual abuse with women and men, ranging from experiences of “I don’t like this, but I’ll put up with it because refusing would end up being much worse for me” to the “I think he was trying to kill me during sex.” So, that’s what I’m thinking of while I write this comment.
I want to acknowledge that this response comes from a one-sided, negative perspective. Casual sex can be a wonderful thing, and tons of folks have had good experiences with it or at least believe good experiences can happen. It sounds like that base is pretty well covered so I’m weighing in on one possibility for when it isn’t so great.
I often meet people for whom casual sex becomes a series of sexual experiences with purely selfish, parasitic partners. Typically these have been young adult women who have casual sex with men of a similar age or older. Many trust questions come up like:
- How do I know if he will be interested in my pleasure, too?
- How can I opt out once we’re already in the middle of things and I’m not having fun, especially if I’m not usually one to raise my voice about things and tend to just wait it out?
- What if he takes pictures or videos of me that I know about, or that I don’t?
- What if he says he is using a condom but isn’t, or takes it off secretly part way through?
- What if he seemed sweet over drinks, but now likes it so rough that it is scary?
- My partners usually get off but I never do. If I had higher expectations I would only end up disappointed, and I do enjoy the experience over-all. Is this ok? If not, what should I do?
So, those are some issues that I frequently hear. Of course, I tend to hear about them years later when we’re working out the long term impact of those situations. However, I would love to see it addressed when it is happening, or even before!