I want to acknowledge that this response comes from a one-sided, negative perspective. Casual sex can be a wonderful thing, and tons of folks have had good experiences with it or at least believe good experiences can happen. It sounds like that base is pretty well covered so I’m weighing in on one possibility for when it isn’t so great.

I often meet people for whom casual sex becomes a series of sexual experiences with purely selfish, parasitic partners. Typically these have been young adult women who have casual sex with men of a similar age or older. Many trust questions come up like:
- How do I know if he will be interested in my pleasure, too?
- How can I opt out once we’re already in the middle of things and I’m not having fun, especially if I’m not usually one to raise my voice about things and tend to just wait it out?
- What if he takes pictures or videos of me that I know about, or that I don’t?
- What if he says he is using a condom but isn’t, or takes it off secretly part way through?
- What if he seemed sweet over drinks, but now likes it so rough that it is scary?
- My partners usually get off but I never do. If I had higher expectations I would only end up disappointed, and I do enjoy the experience over-all. Is this ok? If not, what should I do?

So, those are some issues that I frequently hear. Of course, I tend to hear about them years later when we’re working out the long term impact of those situations. However, I would love to see it addressed when it is happening, or even before!

I think there can be a bit of a tightrope to walk with that, in that it’s sometimes hard to tell if the discomfort is coming from hang-ups that would be better to get over, but for me there was a real awareness that I don’t trust people quickly enough for casual sex to be all that much fun for me. And since I’m generally comfortable with my slow-to-warm-up-ness in other aspects of my life, I didn’t see the point in changing it for this one aspect.

I do have friends for whom casual sex is a great thing; I have no problem believing that it works for others.

(I can’t imagine that you’d write up anything about sex that didn’t include a reminder that “No, not into it” is a perfectly valid response, but I thought I’d throw this out there anyway for a bit of the non-dogmatic other side.)

1) judgement by others in my life, particularly work-related contacts,
1.5) gossip,

2) the potential for getting hurt when ramping up any kind of relationship very quickly
2.5) strong feelings (new relationship energy) distracting from other life priorities (work-life balance) in a situation where I’m not likely to have longer-term benefits or emotional stability to offset that,

3) new/casual partners with different backgrounds and experiences cannot be as in touch with my lifestyle needs, what issues I’m sensitive about and what sorts of things hurt my feelings. For me, a casual sexual partner also needs to be someone I can generally get along with, and who I feel buoys me up in the world as opposed to dragging me down.

All of these are also issues at the beginning of LTR’s (long-term-relationships), but relationship stability in both close friendships and relationships has always felt good to me (e.g. looking back, my best friendships & relationships have been of that nature), so scary things 1-3 are clearly worth risking if either a) a good, emotionally secure relationship is a reasonably likely outcome, or b) I feel this casual relationship will contribute substantially to my personal growth. I can imagine for others, particularly those with less career-focused lives, and more extraversion, the trade-offs could be very different. Maybe the tradeoffs will be for me someday as well, but the above is how things have played out for me in the past. FWIW, I’m roughly 30, and have viewed possibly having casual sex as a natural part of my life/development since about age 15 (e.g. I was willing, and had no moral qualms, if the “right” circumstances presented themselves). I’m interested in reading your article once it’s written.

Name: Jake
Gender:
Age: 18
Location: London
I have never had sex mostly because I have never managed to approach the person. I am bisexual and am desperate to have sex with a guy or girl. What are the best ways to approach someone for sex?

Can’t manage to approach a person for sex? Are you just shy, or are you a total geek? Either way, my friend, you gotta get over yourself if you ever hope to get laid. And here’s a tip: perspective partners can smell desperation, like the kind you speak of, a mile away. And they will avoid you like the plague.

Ok, so you’re just 18 without a lot of experience in the ways of the world. Here’s what I tell everyone who asks me this question, regardless of age, gender or sexual orientation. When it comes to asking for sex; the direct approach works best. Just so long as you’re not a dick about it. If you haven’t already discovered this, baggin a chick will probably take a bit more finesse than pokin’ a bloke. And coming on to a mate demands a different approach than hittin’ up a stranger for a shag.

If there’s a bit of charm about you, your task will be considerably easier than if you are a crude Neanderthal who just wants to notch his belt. If you’re not sure what your selling points are, ask a friend for his or her feedback. If he or she tells you nice things bout yourself, you might be in luck. If he or she tells you that you’re a charmless creep, you’ll have your work cut out for you.

Regardless what group you fall into — the “maybe fuckable”, or the “not fucking ever”, you can always improve your image and hone your unique style. Look to how you present yourself; make sure you are groomed, clean and odor-free. Dress to impress. Stay clear of fancy or fussy, but do make it look like you gave your clothing a thought before you dressed yourself. Make yourself interesting; have a point of view, but share it sparingly. Develop a sense of humor about yourself. If you can’t be clever or witty, then keep your mouth shut for the most part.

The internet is a great place to test the waters. Dating and hook-up sites abound. Put up a profile…with a photo or two. Here’s a tip, save the dick pics for the queer sites. Women don’t want to see your pathetic willie, at least not right away. And like I said above, there’s nothing more unattractive to most women, or men, than a desperate fuck. Asking for what you want is good, pleading to be taken out of pity is not!

Few women are as casual about sex as are most men. So if a woman tells you no, she just may be shy, or not ready, or not sure. If a guy tell you no, it’s not the end of the world. You’re probably not his type. There are lots of fish in the sea; if you’re not immediately successful, move on. Sometimes getting laid is a situational thing. Being in the right place at the right time is helpful.

Chicks are gonna be concerned about the whole pregnancy thing. This is a much more serious concern for a woman then for a dude. If you’re not well versed on several methods of contraception and willing to practice at least one, you’re not ready to have sex. Sexually transmitted infections ought to be a concern for you both. Don’t be a fuck-up; always use a condom regardless of your partner’s gender.

If you’re dick is hard, it’s not the right time to talk about sex with a woman, but it might be the best time to hit up a dude. Women don’t necessarily like the lean and hungry look. Men tend to groove on it.

There are lots of different ways to have sex, so what might be appealing to one person may not be to another. Hand jobs and/or blow jobs are often more easy to cum by than full-on fucking with both birds and blokes.

In the end, there no standard way to ask for sex, but if you treat a prospective partner, regardless of gender, with respect, honesty, and patience, you can be sure whatever words you use will be more effective than if you’re an uncouth lout.

i hope that’s helpful. - richard

Getting past the gut deep body/self/loathing and the notion that sex=sin and that I should just lay back and “think of England” took a lot of doing, as I desperately wanted to be the good little girl my mom wanted me to be. Time has passed, and I’ve come out as something other than girl with my own definition of good which includes the fact that consensual, communicated, casual sex can be some of the best good stuff out there.

Getting past the guilt was one of the big things for successfully negotiating casual sex for me. Guilt was equal parts a conviction that I had failed to live up to someone else’s standards, fear that I was doing something morally wrong, and shame that I gave into my desires for temporal (and temporary) pleasure. Moving beyond that isn’t necessarily something that a person can do in a day or week or month; years later I still find odd bits of it cropping up like some kind of unexpected and especially yucky bit of mold that I have to clean up and face before continuing on my journey.

Eventually, I realized that the only standards I had to live up to were my own; that so long as I did my level best, through communication and consensual practices, to ensure that I was bringing no harm to another person, intentionally or otherwise; and that my desires should be honored and celebrated. These were, for me, the keys to successfully negotiating casual encounters of the sexual kind — starting with myself and moving outward.

It has been hard work, and takes a lot of communication — both with myself and others — and I have also learned the joy of anticipation. If intimacy doesn’t work right now, for whatever reason, chances are that it will down the road. I’ve learned that not everything has to be right now — but also to enjoy every last bit of the moment when it .is. right now. And I’ve learned that talking — about everything (protection, other partners, preferred positions, pronouns, things not to do, things to especially pretty please do) makes every single bit better. Casual sex has become for me a bit of a misnomer; it is a deepening of intimacy or establishing of connection with a person where we are completely present and true to ourselves, the moment, and the sacredness of our bodies and our joy.