So, here’s a question: how many of you think male-bodied or identified people are, as a group, earnestly satisfied with their sex lives?
To be clear, we hear a lot about how many women are not, but most men are, but I think that statement isn’t actually about satisfaction, but about who is reaching orgasm, or reaching orgasm most often.
If a given group of people reaches orgasm, then those people tend to be classed as sexually satisfied, just because they have reached orgasm, even though we know sexual satisfaction is a far larger critter. Vaginal intercourse is a biggie where we see this: because most men orgasm that way (who do have intercourse) but most women don’t, people will say most men are satisfied with intercourse while women aren’t… but are men really satisfied with that activity alone? Or are they just reaching orgasm that way?
I just wonder sometimes how short the cultural and (especially in the mainstream) interpersonal conversation about male sexuality is being cut short in this because of these kinds of assumptions. I also wonder that if I’m correct in my thesis, one reason we see so many male/female partnerships where women aren’t satisfied is because there are many men who really aren’t either, but since they’re a) reaching orgasm and/or b) getting” the kind of sex men are supposed to like, or told is satisfying for them because of orgasm, there’s a whole world of communication and exploration in many relationships which could be happening, but which isn’t because of this issue. In other words, that we can sometimes expect one party of a couple to have a whole set of skills in finding out and communicating what satisfies them that they may not actually have (or know they don’t) at all, and expect them then to share or translate skills to their other partner they don’t have in the first place.
February 4th, 2010 at 9:52 pm
Heather, I really like your recent ‘When the Big O is a No-Show’ piece, although I certainly found this statistic to be quite depressing due to the disparity:
“A majority of women do have trouble reaching orgasm through vaginal intercourse and simply cannot orgasm that way. It’s also true that many women have more trouble having orgasm with a partner than they do getting to orgasm by themselves: 75% of men but only 29% of women always have orgasms with their partner (Laumann, Gagnon, Michael, Michaels, 1994). A majority of women also don’t consistently reach orgasm, especially from partnered sex: sometimes it’ll happen, other times it won’t.”
That said, I would basically agree with your point in that a great of male-bodied people aren’t actually all that satisfied, or at least as much as one might think when going by the satisfaction with partnered sex = reaching orgasm criteria. If these men have female-identified partners who aren’t reaching orgasm and who are frustrated for this reason, I think the men are often equally as frustrated if not even more so because 1) they care (the vast majority of guys NOT being jerks but decent people, I believe, even if portrayals are often negative and there are many exceptions) and 2) “not being able to please their partner” can wear on the self-esteem/sexual self-confidence, especially if you consider how this can be linked to “being a man” in a sexual partnership sense (as in, fulfilling gender role expectations.) Granted, it’s more complicated than that and it’s different for each person, but I think it could especially apply to teenage or young adult relationships where there are certain sexual assumptions (misunderstanding or misinformation), fragile egos, and lack of the deep communication needed for a positive partnered sexual relationship.
I certainly believe that, while orgasm may not equal satisfaction for men unlike often assumed, I think women who are experiencing orgasm through partnered sex *are* much more likely to consider themselves satisfied with the sex, if partially or even mostly due to reaching orgasm being less frequent for female-bodied people during partnered sex in general or because so many of those other things, such as feeling connected with one’s own sexuality and partner during sex’, listed in your ‘No-Show’ are happening.
I said just ‘male-bodied’ rather than ‘male-bodied and male-identified’ above because I would think things people who are transgendered would have different experiences in that the body awareness, self-reflection and ability to communicate would be more present due to experiences with sex and gender throughout life, although I certainly can’t speak authoritatively on this at all and don’t mean to make other assumptions.
On a separate note, I think of the great article, ‘Sex and Disability: No Big Deal’, which ends with: “In a way, having a disability can actually become a positive advantage when it comes to sex. It means that you need to learn how to communicate and be up-front about what works for you and what doesn’t. Having to change and adapt the standard “script” means you have to be flexible and creative. And you have to focus on what actually feels best for you and your partner, instead of getting hung-up about what’s “normal” or how you’re “supposed” to have sex.
And those are the real secrets of great sex for everybody.”
That said, to take your thesis in a different but somewhat related direction, would you say that male-bodied/identified people with disAblities who are having partnered sex would be more likely to find themselves satisfied with sex because of the importance of open communication and automatically (not necessarily) doing what’s societally expected in partnered sexual encounters?
February 7th, 2010 at 3:17 pm
When it comes to these questions it does seem to be all about definitions. If you define sexually satisfaction as how often partnered sex leads to orgasm, then you have one answer. If you define it as having the types of sex acts you desire, then you have another. If you define it as how often, then even another answer. I think if you define it with the other aspects, then men will declare themselves to be less satisfied than if you stick to just orgasm.
I think het men do want their female partners to orgasm. Being a part of that experience is a turn on. In part because it makes them feel powerful to make a woman come. It is that elusive experience. However, not all women give men the chance to do so. Not all men know it takes more than a few strokes as it might for them. So women go through the motions. Sometimes faking. Sometimes brushing it aside. No one really talking about what is going on.
I know I have done that. To do so is a vulnerable experience. It is also time consuming. Even now I rely on masturbating in front of a partner as part of sex because it is more efficient to do so. I do not always have the patience to lie back and let them touch me and take me all the way there. I do not always want to have give them instruction on how to touch me. If we could somehow mind meld and I could do so without words, it would be a different thing.
By the way, this applies to partners of different genders and orientations. Not just my het-male partners.
February 7th, 2010 at 3:33 pm
I think I was perhaps a bit unclear on a couple things, sorry!
When I asked about men feeling sexually satisfied or not, and not based on orgasm, I wasn’t actually talking about because a partner does or doesn’t orgasm.
Not exclusively, anyway: in other words, that could certainly be (and I’d agree, it tends to be, for anyone with partners who isn’t a narcissist) part of it, but that wasn’t all of what I was talking about. Not feeling sexually satisfied could mean, for instance, because a partner doesn’t reach orgasm, because a man only had a few inches of his body touched, because a man hasn’t been able to explore certain roles or sexual interests, the works.
Per defining sexual satisfaction, in sexology study, when that’s used as a term, it generally means how, overall, someone feels satisfied with their sex life in general, or with a single incident of sex. It usually is not used to mean orgasm (it’s mainstream culture and media that frames it that way, not the study of sex), though reaching orgasm can be a piece of what feeling sexually satisfied means for an individual. Same goes with things like frequency of sex: these are often factors in the whole picture of sexual satisfaction, but only parts of that larger whole.
The question I was trying to ask is because so often it’s put out there that sexual satisfaction = orgasm, and het men (men in general, really, but the m/f issue per roles like I’m talking about tends to be in het culture) so often orgasm easily, many men may not feel sexually satisfied, but never voice that or even acknowledge it because culture tells then that if they orgasm, they are or should be sexually satisfied. And if that’s what’s going on, and being internalized that way, then it seems to me it’s going to be a lot tougher for het men to understand and empathize with women expressing they don’t feel sexually satisfied, and may also feel particularly frustrated if and when women don’t orgasm because of that.
Does that make any more sense?
February 14th, 2010 at 12:42 am
This is not related to this post but I just wanted to say thank you so much for all the time you put into Scarleteen. I’ve been to the site ever since I was 15 and it has helped me through many periods of confusion and sadness. It helped me when I was raped,when I was worried about the way my body looks and even now at the age of 19 it helps me learn new things.
I just love how the site is non judgmental,informational and so very interesting to read. It is much the opposite to the many “be afraid of your sexuality” sites I’ve encountered but instead places importance of being healthy,respecting yourself and others.
I’ve always recommended the site to my friends and I hope when I’m older and have children that they will have something as “good” to read as Scarleteen.
Thank you again!
February 20th, 2010 at 10:38 am
I think it is all about definition - what you are talking about is just as much about being satisfied with “level of intimacy” or emotionally satisfied. You are encompassing all of that (it sounds like to me) within “sexually satisfied”. Which I think is fine, actually great! More people need to talk about things as a whole, not these little shattered compartmentalized pieces.
Not saying that I have any great insight or answers, but the level of communication you have to have to try to get all the way to “sexually/intimately/emotionally” satisfied is way higher than what you need for a simple orgasm.
February 28th, 2010 at 9:31 am
Interesting question. When I read “sexually satisfied,” I always take intimacy and the interpersonal aspects of sexual satisfaction into account. So with that in mind, I would say that many male-bodied people aren’t holistically satisfied with their partnered sexual experiences. I’m not a male-bodied person, so I can’t speak to it personally, but I think our culture discourages male sexual exploration, even when it’s heterosexual.
March 1st, 2010 at 5:32 pm
Hi Heather. I think if the definition is as simple as reaching ejaculation and flaccidity, then men are satisfied. If we are talking about getting off, would-crawl-through-glass-to get-to her or him, then I think the number is about half.
I think men are taught that the former is the signal of satisfaction. The latter, if it occurs, takes them by total surprise.