Now, when he asks if I can do something, I ask him what catalog this falls in, and make my plans accordingly.

I’ve also had to ask my bosses in the past to minimize my extra work for a period of time due to illness, moving, or another huge project from my other job. Being clear on where you are with not too much detail can actually get your boss to help you protect your time until you have a little more slack in your timetable.

I’m still working on this right now, but it (along with the phrase, “I cannot accept any other commitments right now.”) have been my best friend.

For offers of anything that would be beneficial: Thank you so much for the kind offer but my plate is so full at the moment that I’m just not able to do X right now. (This leaves the door open for another opportunity at a time when you might be able to accommodate the request).

For requests from people I know well professionally: Oh, I wish I could help you but I just don’t have bandwidth for any more commitments right now. Note that I only use this with people who have a fair inkling of my workload and know me well as it’s a bit straightforward.

For everything else: No, I’m sorry but I can’t accommodate that right now. If I’m feeling particularly magnanimous and can think of a resource for the person’s request, I’ll include “…but you might try X.”

Remember, regardless of another’s tone, just because you work for an underserved community as a non-profit, you don’t owe anyone anything at the expense of a nap, a walk in the garden, or time with the pug.

A teacher of mine pointed out that it’s kind of like when they give you safety info on planes: put your oxygen mask on before helping others. If you’re constantly pouring your energy out and not getting fed, you’re going to run dry, burn out, and get bitter. You need to find ways to feed yourself, not to the point of getting greedy and overfed, but to the point where you have the energy to do the work you want to do.

When people ask me to do things that I don’t have the space for, I tell them “I don’t have the bandwidth for that.” If I can suggest other people to ask, I will. But all I owe anyone is a clear, honest, and centered response. This has been something I’ve been practicing for years and it hasn’t been an easy process. One place to start- I suggest you reframe this as being something you’re not yet skilled at, rather than something you’re bad at or that you suck at. Judging yourself for not knowing how to do it (yet) only makes it harder to learn how to do it.

When people take it personally, like you, I have a tendency to want to rescue them from their uncomfortable feelings or from their situation. It’s important to remember that you are not responsible for their situations or for their emotions. Doing that without losing your empathy also takes practice, and it’s totally doable.

Lastly, Pema Chodron suggests that when you catch yourself before engaging in your habits that you want to change, rejoice because you’ve changed the pattern. And when you notice it after you’ve already done the old, habitual thing, rejoice because noticing that you’ve done the old behavior is a step towards changing future actions. Don’t beat yourself up for it- each time you notice that you’ve done it again, there’s information there that can help you shorten the time between repeating the habit and noticing it, until one day, you stop yourself BEFORE you do it. It takes a while for the momentum of the habit to slow down enough to step off of it, and each time you notice that you’ve done it, you actually slow it down a little more. I highly recommend her audio CD, “Getting Unstuck” for some amazing insight around changing difficult habits.

Other friends have said that saying no actually helps raise the rates for the paying work that they do, that it shows how in demand they really are. Sometimes that works for them, sometimes not. I tend to agree with the other commenters that “sorry, no” with no explanations is best, however, if you can’t pull that off, maybe something broad about how highly valued your skills and expertise are. That again hints at the need to be paid. (I too am crap about asking for money.)

I do have that feeling that Trixie describes of being watched on the web, though. That’s why I try not to mix my personal and professional networks on social networking sites: it always seems to lead to me feeling guilty and hiding the fun stuff in my life lest a professional colleague see it and think “so that’s why she didn’t do x,” even though I know intellectually that most people understand that we all need breaks. I’m not saying that to say you should do that separation — that’s maybe not possible for you at this point — but to say that if that’s something you’re feeling, you are definitely not alone in that.

The other thing to watch out for, which of course you know from your personal life and your advocacy work, is to watch out for when you *are* clearly saying no, and that no is not being heard. Although in the professional area, if they hear a “no” as “pay me more and I might say yes when I have time” that’s not so bad.

No further explanation. A smile, but no apologetic tone.

This requires, of course, a reasonable belief that my own limits (and my own self) are valuable. It took me quite a while to realize that I’m *not* the white knight on the horse who can ride in and save everyone single-handed, and even longer to realize that even if I *were* the white knight, that saving everyone single-handed is a fucking arrogant way of proceeding. Other people are capable of helping, and (most importantly), the people in need of help are only very rarely in such life-or-death circumstances that they can’t hold their own for a while. And even if they’re teetering on the edge, do I want to teach them that I think they’re fragile and about to break, or that I have total faith in their ability to get through the next couple of days without my constant supervision?

I say all this as a therapist-in-training who’s had to learn to BACK WAAAAAAAAAAY OFF most of the time, because my savior complex gets triggered pretty easily. But I’m not a savior, I’m a resource, and I have to keep reminding myself that other people have the skills necessary to keep themselves alive, housed, fed, and sane most of the time. And when they’re lacking any of those skills, it’s still my job to get them to recognize their strengths and abilities to accomplish those things ASAP, so that they don’t feel dependent on me forever. Because that certainly doesn’t serve them.

One of my supervisors used to say, “Look around. Are you dying? No? Good. Is anyone around you dying? No? Good. There’s therefore no need to panic.” (This is when I worked in a hospice, so “yes” was sometimes a reasonable answer, and obviously kicked in a different flowchart.) I sometimes work through that in my head when I get in a self-important “BUT I HAVE TO SACRIFICE MYSELF BECAUSE THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT!!!!!” place — most of the time, it’s not that important. (Not to say the work you’re doing is not important. Just that your own health and sanity is generally more important than helping prep a presentation, or whatever.)

Over the past year and a half going to al-anon/12-step meetings has been helping me with that and assorted issues/fears/sanity-and-time-management challenges and helping me learn to be less of an asshole to others and to myself and to be more detached. And when people like you suggest that getting up away from the computer and going to the porch to do one thing you WANT to do is a good and effective thing, that helps, and I still think of it and try to practice it. Lately I’ve been getting in the car alone with a book or the laptop and driving away from the cams and everybody to read or stare at the outside.

The first one is just this: no is a complete sentence. You feel that you owe people more than that because you’re so invested in your work. But like some of the above commenters say, it is just rude for them to press on and ask why. That’s them, not you. People - as in, your community and the people that deeply admire the work you do - aren’t going to think you’re a jerk for saying no.

I know money is a always tight, but one of the best things I’ve done for myself in the past year is to hire an assistant. She averages about 5 hours a week of work, and her main task is to check my email and be the first line of defense. She’s saved my ass a lot of times - left to my own devices, I will say yes to student interviews, guest blogging spots, decently paying but irrelevant writing gigs. She writes folks back and asks for more information, and often tells people no for me. For some reason I feel less terrible if I’m not the one hitting send. The next step beyond that is that she sorts my incoming mail, which makes the constant inbox flow seem less daunting. I check my email a few times a day now and it doesn’t own me the same way it did before. Email is my main guilt and danger zone though, it might be different for you. At the very least, make yourself take a timeout before answering an email asking you to do something. I find that a lot of the time, when people ask me to do something that is beyond my means right now, I say yes because I really believe in what they’re trying to do, or I want to help or support them.

I’ve also found that asking myself, “how will saying yes to this contribute to the overall mission of my work?” and “is there someone else who I can pass this opportunity on to who would appreciate it?” is really helpful. Also, I’ve been totally avoiding conferences.