February 14th, 2000 Better than Chocolate: Sex Education | Heather Corinna It's hearts-and-flowers day, chocolates and bathtubs and lingering dinners day, and a darn good day for the CEO at Hallmark. It's Valentine's Day. I confess, it's a holiday I have always enjoyed, whether I spent it in rapture with a lover, or, as I did at 16, by going out with my girlfriends and touring every partner's house who'd ever screwed us over and delivering a tell-off sermon en masse with a cheering audience of sassy girls. This year, though, I'm having some trouble getting into the spirit of the thing. I shouldn't be: I have a husband and partner I adore and cherish, and plenty of loving feelings for others close to me. Yet, as I went this morning to go through my mail, and organized the advice queries from the teenagers at Scarleteen to begin my work, my heart sank. Too many of us, myself included, often forget that for so many, love and sex is terrible agony, confusion and a source of very real pain, especially for the young. I can count on one hand the nasty letters I have gotten from adults irate that I counsel young people on sex -- a source of amazement to me still -- yet I am sure there are a good many unwritten, or that that same anger and angst is simply placed elsewhere. Perhaps it is set on another writer or advocate, or on a child within the family, or perhaps it rears it's ugly head when they refuse to allow their children to get sex education, or worse still, when they represent a board that keeps a school from giving it. However, I think if they found what I do in my mailbox every day, they may well feel quite differently. I could write an encyclopedic volume on why sex education is failing our young, or why the lack of it is doing them terrible harm. I could rant relentlessly on why we might think this year -- or the next, or on days we aren't celebrating a holiday which apparently exists to promote romantic love -- about celebrating differently, and consider sending some help or a voice where needed instead of a dozen roses. Yet, there are voices that advocate this far better than mine. They are younger than mine, more soaringly honest, and truly need to be heard, rather than hiding in the depths of my virtual mailbox. When we rue the state of romantic love, union and sexuality in the world, and wonder why we have the troubles we do, in many cases, the most honest answer is from those who don't seek to answer at all, but instead, to question. I ask this year, for this holiday, that you give thought to a very real way to support positive romantic love, sexuality and affection: by supporting accurate and vital sexual education in whatever way you can, be it by writing a letter to your local school board, being the ear for a friend's child who needs an objective sounding board, or simply by showing your own children not only the dream of romantic union, but the reality. For myself, I now vow to open up my schedule to allow local schools who have asked to ship me in to do so free of charge to conduct seminars for these kids. There is something each of us can do, no matter how great or small. And I ask that you listen to the sampling of voices that follow, a few of the letters that have shown up in my mailbox in the last couple months. I have left then unedited, so bear in mind these kids are often young, terrified, and not very mindful of grammar and sentence structure. However, I feel their message makes itself clear regardless. We would like to think much of love and sex is innate, and yet, in our day, so much of it -- to be experienced positively and healthfully, physically and emotionally -- is not. So, I'm asking that you do what you can, and perhaps this year, send the roses to your niece, the chocolates to your nephew, and give your heart not only to those you love, but to those who need some themselves, and whom you might teach something a bit more valuable than Hallmark can provide. - Heather Corinna, Ed. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet, me and my boyfriend have been togeather for more than a year... the other day, I went "down below the belt" for the 1st time. I remember seeing a liquid ontop of his penis.... is that anything to be worried about??? I mean.. I cant possibly get pregnant from that right!? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet, I really want to have a child with my boyfriend. I have a job and intend on staying in school. The school has an option of free in-school daycare as long as we keep our grades at B's and up. My boyfriend, though, has huge anxieties about it. He doesn't think I have the time or resourses. Two 7-hour shifts on weekends gets me enough money for four weeks of diapers, wipes, etc... I don't the problem my boyfriend does, but I can't convince him all would work out. Please help. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ HEY MZ.SCARLET WELL I WAS WONDERING IF ORAL SEX WAS A WAY OF CONTRACTING HERPES. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet, I am 16 and recently i have started dating a senior girl who has been there a bunch of times. I really want her to like me and fooling around with me. I was wondering if you could give me a couple of moves or a site where i could find some, to try out in the near future. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet, my inner lips are HUGE, and im just not comfortable with my boyfriend knowing about it, plus, they are annoying, cause they create a bulge in my underwear and stuff, i feel gross, anyway, i was wondering if youve ever heard of a gyno preforming a lip shortening surgery, cause i would love to have it done, cause this problem has been on my mind for two years now, and its been keeping me from letting my boyfriend go anywhere near even the zipper of my pants, please help! ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet, ok.. i have a question : when i have sex wif my girlfriend and i "fuck" her ass-hole, will she get pregnant when my sperm shoot in ? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet, Here it is simple and plain-how do I really help a friend of mine who just let us know she has been molested for over two years by a trusted family friend? Even worse, he is an active church person! She seems to believe it is all her fault and since there was no actual, well, you know, did he really do anything wrong? And she has a real hard time with boys our age. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet, I have a question. My boyfriend wants to have sex with me, but I don't want to lose my virginity. What should I do? He said that if I wouldn't he would find someone who would, but I really love him except I am not ready, I am only 15. I don't even have my license yet! Should I go on with it or not? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet, Can you tell me how to fake a orgasm? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet, Wouldnt it be weird if a guy had a condom on while im giving him oral sex? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet, I have never had sex but my mom told me that my dad has herpes! I ahve nevr done anything that would give me this disease but a few weeks ago I got this funny redish purple rash on the side of my leg and on my vagina! It iched A LOT! I don't know what to think what do u thin that it could be I am scared!! ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet, I have been dating my boyfriend for about five weeks . In the last few weeks in order to calm him down I went down on him by blowing his foreskin into a small ballon until he climaxed. I was afraid to have intercourse with im because he has a huge penis whichhhscares me, especially the top..What should I do ? I am scared yet his penis really excites me. Right now I am really confused. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet, A few weeks ago a friend and I did some sexual things with eachother. Which I thought would bring us together, but now he won't even talk to me. Do I try to talk to him or do I just leave him alone? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet, my question is can you get pregnant if your hymen isn't broken? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet, Me and my boyfriend are both 17 and we have been together for 3 and a half months. In this time we have had sex 25 times and i am beginning to think that's the only thing we are together for. Also in that time i have never orgasmed. I get right to the edge and nothing happens. We have tried every position we can find and nothing happens. not even when i relax. The only time i think i've orgasmed (and believe i did) was when my boyfriend performed oral sex on me. Only he says he dosen't want to do it anymore. this really upsets me 'cos i do whatever he wants. What can i do 'cos i love him and i love having sex with him but i'm fed up.... can you help? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet, Hello I have a bit of a problem. I am just an average 14 year old girl on the outside, I'm not pretty and I'm not a dog either. Okay so my problem is my boyfriend. He is 15 and he can be so sweet sometimes and other times he talks about other girls and basically threatens to dump me. I cry all the time over him but still I can't let him go because deep inside I love him and he has told me that too. He is cold and hot and I don't know what to do. He is also my very, very close friend, probably my best friend. He understands me deeply, but then we got caught up in love and he's changed. I just am incapable of describing this properly so please bear with me...How do I get him to just be the adorable boyfriend I know he can be, because sometimes he is? Please do not tell me to just leave him because I recently lost my true best friend when he committed suicide on his 15th birthday and I haven't been quite...all there since then. I wouldn't be able to stand losing the only other close person to me. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet, I am a 16 and a virgin. My b/f of a year and I have been talking about having sex for the first time. I have heard though, that the first time i have sex it will hurt, and I may bleed down there...is this true? Is it going to hurt so bad that it will ruin the experience? And am I bleeding cause there is damage? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet, I WAS JUST WONDERING IF YOU HAD SEX AT AROUND 6 OR 7 YEARS OF AGE,WOULD IT STILL COUNT AS SEX?IF YOU FELT THE PENIS GO INSIDE .WOULD YOU STILL BE CONSIDERED A VIRGIN IF IT DID HAPPEN? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ hi mizscarlet, i`m just not sure if i am a virgin n e more because ihave recently had sex with my mate BUT we are both girls. we get orgasms easily but im afraid of losing my virginity"!!!! please help me ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz. Scarlet, I am 15 and I date guys that are 16-19. These boys have farely large penises and I'm a virgin. I'm ready to have sex, but I don't want them to think I'm too tight. They say things like they hate when a girl is too tight because it hurts their penis. I'm really ready to get down to business, but I'm embarressed and scared. Help!!!!! ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet, I'm 13 years old and my boyfriend is 17. I 've had intercourse with him only once. He brought me into his camper, we were just making out when he took my pants off, then started feeling me down there, and he even had those sex hand cuffs. He told me to use them and told be to give him a blow job. Now he is always pressuring me to do it again and I'm way too young and he keeps trying to sneak me out so we can get together. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet, I have a serious question, its been bothering me for a while. In the past I have had only noncommital relationships without sex , however I now have a boyfriend of 2 months. I love him right now, and I tell him almost everything, however when he asked me if i was a virgin I said "yes," but I was raped at 17 yrs of age, a year and a half ago. Should I tell him about my hidden secret or just leave it as "yes I am a virgin?" I am confused. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet, I'm 18 years old and I have had sex with another girl(i'm female)but i don't think of it as sex.you know,i mean we did everything a guy and a girl would do,just without a penis.so..she says we experimented,but we did it like 5 times..so like am I gay or just really sick in the head? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet, My girlfriend and I have been wondering whether or not her 'cherry' is still intact. I tried to insert a finger to see if I could feel anything, but I'm not really sure what I'm looking for... she is very shy about the whole thing, but I convinced her to ask her doctor. She said that the doctor said that not all girls have them. I know that some girls lose them due to being athletic or riding bicycles,etc. but this doctor apparently meant that some girls are born without them... Here is the real problem, I wonder whether or not she still has hers, and also, if she does is it a complete prevention to the inside or is it more like a donut with a small hole?? I wonder if it is intact, would it prevent my semen from entering?? You see the times we messed around I wasn't wearing a condom, and she was worried about getting pregnant, but I said that I thought she couldn't get pregnant if she still had her 'cherry'... but I really just don't know??? I haven't been able to find anyone who can answer this one for sure... ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet, ok well my boyfriend and i have been messing around to some extent. i am a virgin but i dont think that he is and he is 2 years older than me so he'smore experienced than me. well anyway, he's been talking to my sister about that he wants me 2 give him a blow job and i guess i do want 2, but i dont exactly get what 2 do. he wanted my sister to give me pointers cause he knows that she has given someone a blow job but what she told me really didn't help much. i still don't know what to do. and we are gonna be going out friday night and he will probably want me to do it then. so i really need help fast. this one girl asked me if he has gone down on me, and i didnt know what that meant. so if u could tell me that would be great cause i feel really embarrased cause i dont really have anyone to talk to about this. I know I am definitely not ready for sex yet cause I dont even know what half of this stuff is and my boyfriend isn't pressuring me to have sex or anything, I think he just wants me to give him a blow job. So if u can help thanx!! ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet, i dunno what to do. me(14) + my 18 year old boyfriend have been going out for a year now. we freqently have intercourse. this week he is outta state so i cant ask him what to do with my problem...so i need to ask you. for the last 3 day ive been having cramps where my fallopion tubes are. today i woke up and i cant even walk. i had to crawl to the computer to find some help. my boyfriend has told me before not to go to the doctor for sexual things so we dont get caught. i cant tell my mom cuz if she finds out we have sex she could press charges on him for stagetary rape. i love him so much...i cant lose him now...but i cant go through this pain anymore. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet, Hi, I'm 15 years old and I've already had 8 sex partners. I don't consider myself "easy" or anything like that, but every time a guy comes to me I'm usually willing, depending on the situation. I've thought about it and thought about it and came to the conclusion that the reason I do this is because I have low self-esteem, and when guys come to me I feel wanted or almost even loved. I live my life regretting all but one of my partners, in which I was truly in love with. I don't know what to do to be more strong about it. When I get together with a guy and it's nothing more than just a "hook up", I intend for it not to go far. But, it seems every time it gets to oral sex the guy is ready to have sex and usually says something along the lines of "you've gotten me this far, you can't just leave me like this." Every time I start to feel bad and give in. When I think about it, I partially don't blame it on myself because I tried to say no, but is it still my own fault? How do I say "no"? What can I do to build up my self-esteem so I don't feel like the only way I can be loved is by having sex? Please help!! ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet, I have these fantasies of being raped and I don't know why, what does that mean ? Am I some kind of sicko ??? I need some advice Also I have realy big breast on the verge of 34d and last week after a football game I let all the footbal players have a lil fun with them and now I feel kinda dirty because now whenever they see me they make some kind of comment. I even gave this guy a blowjob after the game cause I was happy that they one and now I feel real slutty. This isnt the first time I let the football team feel on me, there have been man of times where I have either performed oral sex on them or auctally have sex with them. I never have auctally had a boyfriend just encounters. I am 15. I have never auctually had a real date and now I want a real boyfriend and no one take me seriously. I went to homecoming last week , well we never made it there, he took me to his friends house where I had sex wit him , and I can;t believe this his father ! I don't know whats wrong with me, its like I am always having sex. HELP !!! ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet- well i met this boy at a party and we started to go out, but the thing is i never see him. and im scared that were gonna break up because i never get to see him and his friend suggested to me that i should go far with him to make him regain more interest in me but the thing is im scared of going far because im afraid something might go wrong...what do i do? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet, Can one become pregnant or get AIDS from swallowing sperm? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ Dear Miz Scarlet, I go to a school that does not give sex ed and I would like to learn. I do not want to ask my parents though. Could you help me? wenches of yesteryear | home