Every few months, in order to keep my media current and make sure
things are under control, I spend a day going through multiple
search engines on the web to find all of my recent press and mentions
that I may not have been notified of.
And every time I do so, I get a little more terrified, because
every time I do, I find something new that is a bit scarier than
the last thing I found
Lest you think I'm being overly pessimistic, there are certainly
good things to find out there, or at the very least, harmless
things. I discovered that Scarleteen, for instance, is in a listing
from Media Metrix of the Top 9 sites for teens to watch, which
was impressive since all the other sites on the list were corporate.
I discovered a fairly mixed review of an anthology I had a story
in last year in which the reviewer nixed most pieces, but had
great things to say about my work. I discovered that all three
of my sites are now routinely in top ten lists for their genre,
and usually at the top of those lists. I found numerous link
lists for public libraries that linked my sites as recommended
choices. God bless librarians.
With some embarrassment, I found a catty little snippet I sniped
at the political magazine Gridlock and Load last year about Monica
Lewinsky's knitting bag company. I didn't mean to be insensitive,
I just felt there would be more value in Hillary Clinton's Divorce
Files Attaché. Really.
I found a mini-review of Scarlet Letters at Blue Food that I couldn't
discern as a compliment or an insult, something which happens
to me fairly often, which included the snippet: "Porn luminary
Heather Corinna has cornered the market on self-exploiting websites
with universal appeal." If you can tell me what that means, you're
a better linguist than I.
But all of those positive or benign things (if they are positive
and benign, and if I can't tell the difference, I suppose it doesn't
matter much) rarely override the negatives.
I discovered mention of me as a friend at three different online
journals. That would be lovely, except that I had absolutely
no idea who any of those people were, and one of them appears
to be threatening suicide. It's very difficult to know how to
react to that when you've no idea who that person was, and what
their relationship to you was, if it existed outside of their
heads at all.
I discovered a newsreel some months back that had listed a whole
piece about our demise with Verio in 1998, who unceremoniously
dumped us after one month of service because they had changed
their policy on sexuality. Verio had also lied and said our site
had been hacked, which we called them on when we checked our logs.
They got quiet and let us take our time finding another host.
But I've no idea how this newsreel got hold of that little tidbit,
nor why it was very important.
But those bits are minor.
I discovered several articles scattered in different places that
seemed to be cut and basted (and yes, I do mean basted) from one
original article at a conservative right family group, discussing
the STD risks of oral sex, which something I go on about in Scarleteen
enough that the kids want to tape my mouth shut to keep from hearing
it one more time. However, they had added commentary from me
about oral sex neither being sinful nor "nasty," plugged it as
advice I give small children, and plastered it over a photo of
my face as if it were a Wanted poster. I expected to see a price
hovering over my head. I was completely mortified. My partner
was beyond mortified.
Were I talking to young children, as I did for years, you can
rest assured that if Johnny's hand was in someone's pants that
were not his, I wouldn't be talking to him about oral sex. I'd
be talking to him about boundaries and staying in his own pants.
But I digress. On some level, when one is doing controversial
work, it is a testament to your effectiveness if you piss people
off who oppose what you're doing. On the other hand, you can't
very well keep doing what you're doing well if you feel you need
to leave the house with a bag over your head.
I don't want friends I've never met, spoken to, or heard of talking
about me colloquially. I don't want my small business hassles
to become news. And I certainly don't want to become Public Enemy
#562 with the conservative right wing. Obviously, this poses
a massive conflict, because I do want to continue the work that
I do, which if I do it well, is going to get masses of attention.
If I'm not going to do it well, there is little sense in doing
it at all. But is it safe -- on a multitude of levels -- to be
doing public sex work in a media that is as unregulated, global
and immediate as the Internet is? And can you really succeed
at it as an individual without your presence becoming widespread?
The funny thing is this: I have come across people (and often
by means which are less than friendly) who wanted to be me. I
have met people who are jealous of me. I have met young women
who aspire to be like me, scary as that is. Yet, very few people
want to do exactly what I am doing in the way that I am doing
it, in other words, independently, without the protection of some
larger company, organization, or without a pseudonym or a high
level of anonymity.
Scarleteen, for instance, is only one of a handful of sites addressing
teens and sexuality, as is the highest ranking site of its kind.
I don't think that is because no one else CAN do it. I think
it is because no one else wants to. And I'm not sure I blame
them.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not anything close to hanging up my hat.
However, I am wary, and this issue puts me at odds with what
I am trying to do, and makes me wonder how far it can go before
it's too much for me to handle.
The Internet is a medium that a good many people find threatening.
Sexuality has always been something that scares a lot of people
do death. A ballsy, blunt, and independent woman who makes her
living talking intelligently but not clinically about sex, and
doesn't have any of the "disqualifiers" which make it easier for
the mainstream to dismiss her -- namely, being unattractive, too
old, a lesbian, funded too well, too stupid or having a need to
be nice at all times -- is either scary or infuriating as far
as many people are concerned. I round this out by working with
teenagers as well as adults. I feel it can go without saying
that I am also a masochist.
I have no idea how to rectify this. There are very few laws when
it comes to internet harassment or stalking, and those really
don't apply in a situation like this, anyway. One cannot court
fame, or reach a broad audience without these sorts of byproducts.
In addition, as our agent gets closer to getting us a deal on
a book for Scarleteen, I get a little more terrified. That's
a lie. I'm a lot more terrified, and the scary part is that I
am often more private than other colleagues of mine. For instance,
I have a bucket full of worries I have heaped upon friends like
Jane Duvall because they run webcams in which anyone out there
can see them candidly -- as they look on the street and in their
homes -- at all times. My business partner and friend Hanne Blank
does constant public readings and seminars all over the place.
Others I know are in constant fear they will lose their day jobs
(and a good deal have), put their families in danger, or be unable
to gain credibility in other areas in which they excel. It may
sound like paranoia, but because most of it is based in actual
experience, I'm inclined to believe that it is valid. If we weren't
at least a little scared about it, we'd be kidding ourselves.
I know it is best not to admit to this fear, because perhaps I
am supposed to be fearful in reacting to some of these sorts of
things. I am fearful, I am cautious. But that doesn't fix much.
When I first had an astrological reading done in high school,
the reader told me I was going to have one hell of a hard time
in my life, because I liked to caress and stroke with my hands
the things most people refuse to touch at all. I am not alone
in this. Most of the people I am close to, and the colleagues
I work with most often are the same way. It makes us brilliant.
It makes us noticeable. It makes some of us famous. It also
often can make us more famous as targets of hate or of fear than
of recognition or praise. Though no one buys our products, per
se, we still daily field unsolicited input, some of which is often
downright scary.
There is no incredibly clever summation to be had this week when
it comes to this issue, at least not on my part. I have neither
the answers, nor the resolution. I have, instead, a persistent
and nagging worry that at some point I won't be able to do what
I do and live some semblance of a healthy, safe and enjoyable
life. And when what I do is solely to encourage and empower others
to have that sort of a life, it strikes me as the most terrible
sort of irony.
Copyright 2000, Heather Corinna. All rights reserved. |
